


Running Out of Steam

by corrin_m_w



Category: Original Work
Genre: Boredom, Crying, Empathy, Feelings of Insanity, Feelings of uselessness, Gen, Insanity, Internal Conflict, Internal pain, Judgement, Judgmental, Love, Mild hurt, Rain, Selfish, Spiders, Storms, Tears, Whispers, bored, mild body horror
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-14 23:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 6,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10546520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corrin_m_w/pseuds/corrin_m_w
Summary: A collection of poetry I've written and am currently writing.I am in the process of tagging this work based on the content of each poem, but it takes time. I hope to get caught up with this soon. The tags attached to the work itself will eventually be listed in the notes section that preludes each chapter for easy skipping if necessary.It is my sincere hope that all who read will enjoy!





	1. Colour/Grey

The world is full of colour!  
At least, I think it is.  
I wouldn’t know otherwise.  
Some see the world as “grey.”  
What does this mean?  
Sadness?  
     Or literal grey?  
Is the world dull, or as  
     vibrant and lively as mine (just sadder)?  
I know not.  
What is a “grey” world?

* * *

 

The world is grey.  
At least, I think it is…  
I cannot know otherwise.  
Some speak of “colour.”  
I know not what  
     this means.  
People see vibrancy - a  
     sort of brightness,  
     sparkle, and life in things.  
I see it not.  
What is colour?


	2. It's Raining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags from description:  
> Rain  
> Storms  
> Love  
> Empathy  
> Tears  
> Crying

Something about the way the rain whispers is satisfying

  
The way it taps the roof  
     Taps the street  
     Taps the windows  
     Forever on repeat  
          (in the back of my mind)

  
Pitter-patter on the sidewalk

  
Splatter on leaves

  
Drip drip drip on a face  
     (not dissimilar to tears)

  
If love is a melody  
     then where is the song  
For it is lost to me under the guise of  
     steady rainfall

  
Help me and maybe  
     breathe life into me  
Breathe into my fading existence

  
Let the rain pour over me as  
     a perfect storm  
To love me  
And teach me to love again

  
Let the rain whisper its affections to me

Let the sky cry with me  
     in empathy


	3. Listen To Me (Part I)

No one ever listens

If you could take a moment  
of your time  
Just hear me out (for once)  
Maybe you'll understand

If you could slow down  
Take time out of your day  
and just listen  
Maybe you'll understand

I don't mean to be rude  
But I fear it's the only way  
If you would just pay attention  
Maybe you'll understand

Time fades quickly  
I don't know how much we have left  
All I can do is hope;  
Maybe you'll understand

I look to the stars  
I wonder if they will listen  
I remember they are already dead, so  
maybe, you'll understand

I want you to know my love for you  
I hope you know I care  
I dream you know I listen  
Maybe, just maybe, you'll understand

You would care  
You would understand

But you don't listen


	4. spiders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags from the description:  
> Selfish  
> Whispers  
> Judgmental  
> Judgement  
> Spiders  
> Mild Hurt  
> mild body horror  
> Internal pain

I fail to understand the humans around me  
Between the selfishness  
And the rudeness  
And the lies

The audacity to say  
And do  
Such cruel things  
Appalls me to no end

  
The whispers in the hall  
Are not like the rain  
Not like the cool breeze  
     On a summer’s day

  
No, these whispers are terrifying  
And judgmental

  
They remind me of spiders  
Crawling nimbly and quiet  
     Across the planes of my face

  
They tip-toe into my ear canal  
     And climb the ladders of my nerves  
     To reach my brain  
They lay eggs in my thoughts

  
And there the new spiders grow  
And grow  
And grow  
And grow

And grow

  
Until they finally hatch and flood my senses with  
     Terrors you cannot imagine

  
Spiders pour out my ears and eyes and mouth

  
Spiders spill into my lungs and suffocate me

Spiders tear me apart for the inside  
     And you’d never know from just a glance


	5. Bored Insanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags from the description:  
> Bored  
> Boredom  
> Insanity  
> Feelings of Insanity

Is boredom insanity  
Or is insanity boredom

Where is the line  
the thin semantic line  
that separates the two

What is the line made of  
Logic  
or jellyfish

There is nothing to tell me  
just where I may lie  
on this spectrum of thoughts  
This spectrum of blind hatred  
and pain

Morbid attraction and restlessness

Where did I go wrong  
What are my words

What am I even saying  
Am I saying anything at all

 

I like dry toast


	6. Listen To Me (Part II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags from the description:  
> Internal Conflict  
> Feelings of uselessness

I don’t deserve this

The yelling is taking a toll  
On me  
If there is something that can maybe  
     just maybe  
Take away this pain  
Please tell me

I am mocked for my decisions:  
     I say no and the world tells me I’m an idiot  
     I say yes and the world cries out  
          “WRONG CHOICE”

  
Why must every move be controlled  
Can I not make my own mistakes  
What even is a wrong decision  
How can I know if every choice is  
     made for me

  
It is like screaming at a brick wall:  
     absolutely useless  
     (which is how I feel sometimes)  
I am not listened to  
And when I am  
     I am laughed at or called a fool

  
Oh, agony  
     end for me  
Take this suffering for I fear I  
     may not survive it  
Take the voices that surround me  
     make them go away  
     for good

* * *

I wish I could talk to you  
But if no one listens now  
     who is to say you will


	7. Nothing

Nothing is everywhere  
Yet it is not  
  
Nothing can be seen  
But it also can't  
  
Nothing can be heard  
But sometimes not  
  
Nothing is and isn't  
  
Nothing is beautiful in that way  
(or is it?)


	8. Gentle

Soft touches  
     on cheeks  
     on hips  
Sweet nothings whispered  
     into necks

Shoulder massages and  
Back rubs and  
Feet soothed by  
     strong warm hands

Kisses along calfs  
Kisses on throats  
Kisses on the tips of noses

Tangled legs and warm bodies  
Distracted by each other  
     and the television

The window is open and  
A stiff breeze billows the curtains  
Chills lovers  
Quiets the street

The street is too  
     quiet  
Not a noise to be heard  
The tv goes dark

All is still

Lovers don't move from  
     the couch  
Lovers don't move at all

The breeze blows on  
Quiet and

Gentle


	9. Poets

Poets don’t breathe air

Poets breathe in words  
     dull and dead  
Poets breathe in words  
     plain  
     boring

  
Poets breathe out life--  
     New creation  
     new life  
     hope  
Poets breathe hope  
Poets breathe out revival  
     Awakening

  
Poets breathe in “Spring”  
Poets breathe out  
     Daisies and lilac  
     Roses and lavender  
Poets breathe out rebirth  
     and resurrection

  
Poets breathe in “cloud”  
Poets breathe out claps of thunder  
     Daggers of lightning  
     and rain pours from the poet’s lips  
Poets breathe out a cool breeze  
     to refresh the soul

  
Poets breathe in “happy”  
Poets breathe out joyous celebration  
     Ecstatic  
     Lively rejoicing  
Poets breathe out quiet recognition  
     and songs of praise

  
Poets breathe in “anger”  
Poets breathe out rage  
     Tearful spite  
     Biting words  
Poets breathe out faces of stone  
     and whispered curses

Poets breathe out life--  
     Love  
     Reverence  
     bitterness   
Poets breathe out hope  
Poets breathe out wishes  
     Solemnity

Poets breathe in words  
     dirty and rotting  
Poets breathe in words  
     dusty  
     plain

Poets don’t breathe air


	10. Marigold Lullaby

Misery is my  
     best friend  
Empathy is my  
     worst nightmare

Welcome to the parade  
     that is my life  
Welcome to the circus  
     that is my death

Do not pity me  
I fancy no sorrow  
     on my behalf  
Do not impute the world  
     for what has been  
     done to me  
I fancy no worry  
     on my behalf

Burry my casket in  
     Marigolds  
Before you lower me  
     to the unforgiving earth

Sing a lullaby while  
     the sun  
     bakes you, my  
     solemn friends  
Rejoice in the end of my suffering

Bask in the never-ending wake of misery I leave behind


	11. Vestige

There are holograms  
     in the sky  
They ignite the night  
     but so do I  
Brilliant beams of light  
     pierce through the dark  
     taint my eyes  
Lasers in the sky

Breathing mannequins  
     hollow chests echo  
Wood and metal  
     gears and pins  
Painted plastic skin  
     heart of tin and  
     brain of Cyprus  
Soulless and dead glass eyes

Rulers of the night:  
     Send holograms my way  
     Crashing down to earth  
          there to remain-  
          glimpse of now shattered  
               something  
     A vestige of a larger work  
Puppet-masters:  
     Cut the strings you hold  
     Do not turn the key  
          let them fall-  
          unmoving and silent  
               bagpipe lungs deflated  
     Vestiges of an entity far above

Vestiges of powers long dead and the fallen sky


	12. Copper

spirit dismembered

aching words bite  
     prod  
incessant nagging  
     won’t end

words  
bees that swarm and sting  
wounds that swell  
     fester

red-black and thick  
     clouds

copper permeates

nothing else may prevail  
     under the red rain

stitch together  
pieces  
     torn from one another  
stitch together  
pieces  
     drifting and scattered

unloved wight  
     echo of a life past

body dismembered


	13. awaken

body of Death  
awaken the thirsty  
     to drink and be  
     thirsty no longer  
body of Death  
awaken the hungry  
     to eat and be  
     hungry no longer  
body of Death  
awaken the lost  
     to be found and  
     live forever more

caress the dying with a kiss  
and warm embrace

bring life to ones  
who search for  
     redemption  
in what will only bring sorrow  
     in the end

bring life to ones  
who search for  
     acceptance  
in what can only be heartbreak  
     in the end

bring life from the grave  
     a resurrection of spirit

body of Death


	14. Atlantis

How is it that loneliness comes  
     in crowded places  
Surrounded by people  
And yet  
     not one to call friend

Only acquaintances

Exist in the lonely field  
Exist as the  
     sole being in  
     a blooming garden  
A garden under water  
     where the hum of life  
     is muffled and  
          distorted  
     no one can reach you

Welcome to Atlantis  
     population of one  
The beautiful garden is  
     hidden from all but the  
     lonely

And there -  
     There the lonely will  
          drown  
          in the solitude  
     What they wish to escape

Welcome to Atlantis:  
     Home of the lonely white bones


	15. Zenith

Standing at the  
Zenith  
Peer at the  
     vermilion sky  
Tainted by blood  
     of enemies slain

  
Circling over the  
Zenith  
Peer at the  
     onyx field  
Littered by bones  
     of allies fallen

  
The Zenith echoes

  
Watch as desperate hands  
Reach out to  
     cradle the  
     lost one’s remains

  
Hear the desperate plea  
Agonized cries of  
     the mournful  
     ones left behind


	16. Mint

Do not allow your  
     dejection to take hold of  
All you hold dear, or  
Steal away intrinsic love

Virtuous song, a  
     lullaby for the young ones  
Speak life into the  
Faded hearts, sing little runs

Whisper affection  
     heartfelt and pure melody  
Have this condition,  
A picture of harmony

Wash over as rain  
     flood the aching souls with joy  
This: the end of pain  
Or only a desp’rate ploy


	17. Narcissus

the lonely crave company  
the weak crave strength  
the forgotten crave the love they  
     think they deserve

shined bronze like a mirror  
rests against the wall  
unassuming and patient

the lonely and weak and forgotten  
drift on by  
never once knowing the desires  
     hidden away in their heart

bronze gleams and catches the eye  
slow down and  
     stop  
gaze on at your inmost wishes

mirror captivates and distorts the life  
the lonely and weak and forgotten  
     have been trapped in for so long

tendrils creep along the floor  
silent  
unassuming and unyielding

vines slither up the ankles of those  
vain enough to freeze  
those so entranced with ideas  
     and what they could be  
that life passes by

reality ensnares them  
and tears them limb from  
     limb

no company  
no strength  
no love

  
bronze mirror glints  
     shining and patient  
     still


	18. Scabiosa

the Wretched agony of my  
love  
     is the breath of  
     Scabiosa  
a cold night in  
     Summer   
     and Rainy Winter

flowers die among  
     the Sorrow oozing desperately  
     from my Slack jaw  
the cavity gapes  
     Wide and Red

Red chokes  
     pools  
     drips  
     runs  
     pours

Splatter the freshly fallen  
     Snow

Unfortunate day  
Why can you not  
     end  
the Suffering i endure  
     is more than i can bear  
     alone

over and over and over  
     i Undergo the obligatory  
          passing  
life is cruel

Unlucky me  
Royal flush in your hand

the blackness Unfurls its  
feathering Smoke and  
     the World ends again

 

limp body  
     forlorn


	19. Trivial Things

an unread book  
broken headphones  
an unwatched movie  
ratty shoelaces

old machine parts  
an account you can’t log into  
a binder with nothing in it  
cold nights

flame decals on shirts  
pens with no ink  
faded paint on the road  
pageless notebook

pencil with no lead  
empty water bottle

  
opinions


	20. You Are An Ocean

You are an ocean  
You look so calm  
You look so inviting

I inch my way across the warm sand  
You call my name like you know me  
Like you grew up at my side and knowing all my secrets

  
Your waters ripple gentle and soothing  
My toes are splashed and I am sold  
I step closer  
I step further into you

You are up to my knees and I am hesitating  
The water feels slightly frigid to my sun warmed calfs  
But you call my name again  
You remind me that I am welcome  
I step closer  
I step further into you

You are up to my waist and I hesitate again  
The water is cooler still  
It is harder to adjust  
Even as refreshing as it is  
Again my name echoes across the ripples  
You remind me that I am safe  
I step closer  
I step further into you

You are up to my collarbone when I pause once more  
I am shivering against your touch now  
I am questioning why I am out so far  
I consider returning to shore

I turn and

No one is there

No children running and screaming  
No shirtless men cooking hotdogs for their families  
No women scolding their children for swimming just to far  
There is no one and I hear my name screamed across the surface of the ocean  
I turn away from the beach  
I stare at the little waves  
I step closer  
I step further into you

  
The water is only just over my head  
I know I can bounce up and retrieve the air I need  
I crack my eyes and my vision is blurry like when fat tears pour from their ducts  
I can’t hear anything  
It is peaceful  
But just like that the peaceful moment is over

I push off the ocean floor with my feet and break free of the salty oasis  
I gasp and suck in huge gulps of oxygen while kicking my feet to stay afloat  
I look around me and realize the sky is pewter  
I spin around frantic and realize I cannot see the shore  
I begin to swim desperately in the direction I think the beach might be

As suddenly as my limbs flail through the water a wave crashes down

  
I tumble in the swirling waters  
I cannot breathe and I am struggling violently against the pounding waves  
I thrash maniacally  
I try so hard to escape

But my lips slip

Tiny bubbles swirl away as I silently scream


	21. Under the Gaze of Stars

A night on the mezzanine  
     under a blanket of moonlight  
Stars sparkle mischievously as if to say  
What _they_  
     cannot seem to

The stars tell of their hearts that  
     pound relentlessly against their ribs  
     as they sit beside one another  
The stars tell of the  
     NASCAR races of their minds as they  
     wonder if the other feels the same  
The stars tell of their skin  
     that itches as if they wore wool coats in  
     the blazing light of summer’s noon  
The stars tell of them  
     as they fall hopelessly in love  
     and never dare to say a word because  
          they fear they would lose one another

Their hands grasp tightly under the  
     watchful gaze  
     of the twinkling heavens  
Their last chance  
     to cling to their own desires  
     before they are ripped mercilessly  
          from one another

Stitched wounds that  
     were healing  
Now are torn open and  
     oozing life

The stars gaze helplessly at the two:  
     Never able to reach out and  
          shroud them  
          in the light and  
          love they deserve

Desperation floods every  
     inch of their beings  
They struggle against  
     the currents that drag them apart  
One final  
     simultaneous cry  
     that escapes their lips  
Before the life of imagined future  
     runs dry

_I love-_


	22. Nostalgia

The radio comes on and  
     it’s our song  
The one we used to dance to

I can still remember  
     that day  
     when it first played for us

* * *

A drizzly morning in  
     the coffee shop  
Early enough for it to be  
     quiet  
Late enough that-  
     through the rain-  
     the brightness of the  
          sun   
     could creep into the  
     depths of a soul  
     warm the chilled bones  
          still weary from  
          yesterday’s labour  
The rain sparkling as  
     it waters the earth

I was in a booth by  
     a window  
Watching people go  
     on their way  
Rushing in a panic  
Meandering lazily  
Sauntering without a care-  
     as though the world  
     was theirs to hold

I was sipping a black coffee  
     when you slipped inside  
Hair damp and  
     glistening  
Coat a few shades darker and  
     much less cozy than  
     when you first put it on

You stepped up to order  
     and I could only  
     gaze on at you  
The words you spoke were lost  
My ears could only hear  
     the silky tone  
     the assured  
          and cheerful lilt  
          to your voice  
You stood at the counter to wait  
I fixated my eyes on you

When you turned  
     we locked eyes  
And for the first time  
     I noticed the gentle  
     hum of the radio  
The lyrics and notes danced  
     in the air around us  
And you came to sit  
     across from me

It was quiet for a moment  
But then you muttered  
     a shy “Hello”  
     and I was sold  
We talked for hours that day  
I skipped a class and  
     you were late for work

* * *

I miss those days

Everything was  
     simple

I miss the days in  
     the coffee shop

Waves of nostalgia crash over me  
     with this song  
     with every mention of your name

The days when the sky cries  
     softly over the earth  
I can’t help but think of you

(I miss you)


	23. Purple Larkspur

Primary reasoning for this:  
Under the scrutiny of friends  
Realization comes to fruition  
Perhaps this will be easier than I hink…  
Lately, only one thing is on my mind  
Every time I dream, I dream of

Lakeshore picnics lit by a glittering night sky  
A time to simply gaze in wonder at the stars (and each other)  
Reminding us to slow down and breathe  
Kindred spirits in the light of the moon  
Smiles tender and sure  
Pressing small kisses into temples  
Uttering promises of “forever” and “lifetime”  
Reaffirm to me that I’m not dreaming


	24. For J: Faith

I’m sorry  
I don’t know what else to say except  
I’m sorry  
Deer in the headlights girl  
What I did  
     I shouldn’t have done  
I dropped a bomb on you and ran  
I’m sorry

I was scared  
I don’t know how to explain it other than  
I was scared  
You were close  
     too close, maybe  
And I’m sorry because  
     I was okay with it  
And then I panicked  
(I don’t deal with these things well)  
Deer in the headlights girl  
What have I done  
I dropped a bomb on you  
     and ran  
I was scared

I’m spiralling  
I can’t describe it any way other than  
I’m spiralling  
My mind was (and is)  
     racing  
I thought one thing  
     then I heard another and  
     was told another and  
     I got scared and  
     my mind went down all the wrong paths -   
          the gnarled and  
               dense  
          thickets of my mind  
          were the only places I  
               seemed to go and  
     that’s not an excuse  
     I just want you to know and  
 _oh my gosh I’m doing it again_  
Deer in the headlights girl  
I know what I’ve done  
I dropped a bomb on you and ran  
I was spiralling

I’m sorry because I  
Well

You get the picture  
You know exactly what I mean and  
     no one else does and that’s okay  
Because all they need to know about this  
     bitter tale is that  
It was my fault and I’m sorry

I’m sorry


	25. For M: Love

I love you

I know that’s abrupt and  
     you have no idea why  
     I’m saying this, but  
I love you

Maybe not the way you wanted  
But I’m here  
Arms ready to embrace you  
I’ve run as far as I can  
You’ll have to run to me now if  
     you want me to keep on loving you

I’ve missed you  
It’s been far too long since  
     we last spoke  
I constantly think  
     of you  
I wonder how  
     you are doing  
I wonder what  
     you are doing  
I wonder if you miss  
     talking to me  
     for hours on end  
          every single day  
     as much as I miss  
          talking to you  
I wonder if you miss  
     me

Because I love you  
And because I miss you  
I need to tell you  
     that I’m sorry  
I’m sorry because we fought   
And it’s ironic to me now -   
     in a sick way -  
     that when we fought  
We fought because you  
     were pulling away  
You were heartbroken and  
     I was angry you  
     wanted to leave  
You loved me and I loved you  
But that love  
     is not  
     one in the same  
You wanted to leave  
     me  
I was scared you would leave  
     because you were my  
          best friend  
You know all my secrets  
I couldn’t just let you go  
And so we fought and  
     it seems it was  
     me who left  
          in the end

It was not my intention  
     to ignore you  
But then I got used  
     to being away  
I got used to  
     not talking to you and  
I just  
     never did  
I regret that more than anything

  
When I really realised  
     that I could talk to you -   
     that I _should_ talk to you -  
I was terrified  
I became so stricken with  
     the fear that you would hate me  
     for what I did to you that  
I felt like I _shouldn’t_  
     talk to you  
And so  
     I didn’t

But now  
I can’t put it off any longer  
The guilt is eating me alive

I’m sorry

I don’t think I could  
     ever say it enough so:  
I’m sorry, ad nauseum

I’m so sorry

I love you


	26. A Gentle Flicker

One light in the window for all to see  
White candle slowly melting through the night  
White candle giving off a gentle light  
A flame that flickers ever so slowly  
But the wind howls mercilessly  
A ruthless wind that is never contrite  
And snuffs our that candle burning so bright  
No light in the window for all to see

Whisky smoke rises rim black and red ember  
The wick yet stands, defiant, as if to say:  
“My flame may be out, but it can be relit”  
The waxy candle wants us to remember  
That even in our wretched dismay  
This blessed white candle will ne’er demit


	27. They Never Left

I can’t escape  
     the spiders  
I don’t know if I  
     ever will  
The haunt my  
     every  
     waking  
     moment

They still scuttle around  
     on a mess of wiry nerves  
Controlling every thought  
Every movement  
Every decision  
Everything

The webs they spin  
     trap pieces of  
          me  
Hide me away  
I sometimes wonder  
     if I am still myself or  
Am I the spiders  
Am I the spiders  
The spiders  
The spiders  
The spiders  
     spiders  
     spiders

 

  
Run


	28. The Ballad for Miserable Children

(Refrain)  
We will hold our heads high, when  
Anything’s in our way  
We don’t dare to run away from  
The monsters that we face

(I)  
Battle’s yet to be won  
     Misery boys, keep on fightin’  
Swing and miss, around we go  
     Misery girls, don’t stop tryin’

(II)  
Destiny rages on  
     Misery boys, keep on breathin’  
Oh, you’re never alone  
     Misery girls, keep believin’

(Refrain)

(Tag)  
We will hold our heads high  
     hold our heads high

(III)  
You’ve got to live your lives  
     So misery boys, keep livin’  
Just don’t waste it for me  
     Misery girls, don’t save my life

(IV)  
I’ll lay it all on the line  
     Misery boys, don’t waste your time  
I’ll lay it all on the line  
     Misery girls, don’t waste your time

  
(Refrain - altered - 2x)  
I will hold my head high, when  
Anything’s in my way  
I don’t dare to run away from  
The monsters that I face

(Tag - altered)  
I will hold my head high  
     hold my head high  
     hold my head high

(V)  
There’s nowhere left to run  
     There’s nothing left for me to say  
There’s nowhere left to hide  
     There’s nothing left for me to say

(VI)  
There’s nowhere I can go  
     Tell the sun and the stars hello  
There’s nowhere I can hide  
     I’ll tell the moon up high goodbye


	29. You Know How

Maybe when the sun  
     next shines on me  
You will see me

Maybe when the moon  
     next lights my way  
You will find me

Maybe when the stars  
     next point me North  
You will know me

Maybe when the fire  
     next burns slowly   
You will reach me

Maybe when the lamp  
     next is my guide  
You will help me

Maybe when the torch  
     next shows my path  
You will understand me

Can you be my  
     sun  
     moon  
     stars

Can you be my  
     fire  
     lamp  
     torch

Will you  
     be there for me

  
You know how


	30. Eternity

I now leave behind  
     you who held me dear  
Do not wallow and cry for me  
For now I dance and  
     sing forever more  
When time comes for you:  
     May you join in my  
          delight


	31. Willow

Hanging low over me  
Whispering willows  
     dance in the moonlight  
Hear now this decree  
Wallowing willows  
     cry under starlight:  
“Tears ne’er fall with  
     the bitter passing of this life”


	32. To Dream

Sweetly  
Softly  
Swiftly

Whisper to me  
Let the secrets slip past  
     your lips  
Tell me what you are  
     too afraid  
     to tell  
     anyone else  
I will listen and  
Lock away  
     all you have to say

There is nothing you can’t tell me

I lock it all away  
In the safes  
     that reside  
     in the back  
     of my mind  
There is nothing that escapes

Please  
Tell me what you think  
What you dream  
     in the deep abyss of  
     the unawakened world  
I’ve never known how  
     so maybe  
     can you teach me

Dreams don’t last when  
     my eyes grow heavy  
All I can do is drift aimlessly  
Through the void

The darkness calls out my name  
     as the guise of sleep  
I fall for it’s scheming every time

My eyes close

My eyes open

There is nothing  
     in between  
And there is nothing I can do

Just once  
I’d like to dream  
To dream  
Dream and remember

So  
Could you

Tell me  
Tell me what you know  
I want to know

Can you  
Could you  
Would you

Teach me to dream the way you dream

I swear  
I’ll never tell  
Those secrets are locked away  
There to remain  
     for the unforeseeable eternity

Even if it’s only one night  
I just want to rest  
I want to escape  
I want to dream

Just once

Swiftly  
Softly  
Sweetly


	33. Old Souls

Oh, to be young  
Wild and  
     careless

I look around  
And I look back  
And I am left  
     wondering

Why?

  
My body is young  
My mind - my soul  
     seems older

I look around and  
     yearn  
For a youth

     I don’t  
     Remember


	34. As the Seasons Change

They call me Kura  
Like the dainty pink blossoms  
That spill from my lungs

They call you Natsu  
For the vibrant golden blooms  
That adorn your skin

They call her Aki  
Like tongues of flame from the trees  
That dance around her

They call him Shimo  
Like the fragile crystals  
That cling to his soul


	35. Reminisce

is it possible  
that i can  
     Reminisce  
things i have never  
experienced

because i feel this  
     Bittersweet Longing  
deep in my chest and  
i do not understand  
why

where is this pull of  
     Desire and  
     Desperation  
drawing me to  
what  
does it draw me to

the tugging at my gut  
pulls harder  
drags more

 

all i want is to  
     Remember


	36. Loneliness

i have tried so hard  
to let go of  
     Her  
but She refuses to let go of me

it does not matter if  
     i am in fact  
     surrounded on all sides  
it does not matter if  
     i am in fact  
     alone in my bedroom  
She still hears Her ugly head  
     and brings me to  
          my knees  
     sobbing

sometimes i sob uncontrollably  
sometimes i can’t hold back  
     the pain that She  
     brings me

i mourn for myself  
at least  
     for the seeming loss of  
          affable nature  
i mourn because  
i do not want to be near Her

but sometimes it seems  
     that Loneliness is all i’ve got


	37. Demons

Sometimes  
I feel as though  
     I can never attain  
          “joy”  
Only  
I _know_ that I _can_

In reality  
     it comes down to whether or not  
     I am willing to give up  
     the things that feed into all that is  
          holding me back

I will not place titles  
     or say names  
I refuse to blame   
     anyone or  
     anything  
     other than  
          myself

There are monsters  
     that surround us  
There are things  
     we all must face

  
But demons most often appear  
     in the mirror


	38. Mr. Sandman

Mr. Sandman doesn’t ever come  
He is never there to bring me dreams  
Whenever I’m asleep  
I float around in space  
Won’t you bring me rest, Mr. Sandman


	39. Can You Hear It

Can you hear my ever pounding heart  
Quiet anxiety from the start  
There’s nothing I can do  
Except try to hear you  
As I hope that I don’t fall apart


	40. Food For Thought

Sometimes  
I eat just to give my mouth  
     something to do

I had kettle corn one day  
And over the course of  
     the two hour drive home  
I ate most of it  
All because I didn’t  
     have anything  
     to say  
Nothing to add  
To any conversations  
With the other  
     nine people  
     in the van

In the very front is  
A pastor and  
     a kind of stranger  
These men are  
     too far away  
     to talk to properly, so  
I don’t even attempt it  
But  
I wish  
     I had something to say to them

The girl sitting next to me  
I used to be friends with  
And  
I still have conversations with her  
     on occasion  
But we aren’t friends  
Not like we used to be  
And I miss that  
She talked with someone  
     over the phone  
     most of the way home  
But  
I still wish  
     I had something to say to her

The three people behind me  
     are close  
Sisters and  
A boy who gets along with  
     everyone  
They talk like they’ve  
     known each other for  
     their entire lives  
Even though he’d been around for  
     only a couple years  
     (at that point)  
Even still  
I wish  
     I had something to say to them

The three people in front of me  
     are as follows:  
A girl who was wearing red  
A boy who is my brothers friend  
And  
And

And a boy  
     (man, I guess)  
Who I never know what  
     to say to  
A young man - my elder by  
     only two years  
A young man who -

 

I don’t know why I’m writing this

I  
Don’t know  
Why I’m writing this

 

Maybe to distract myself from  
     the rest of my kettle corn

Maybe because I’m lonely  
Maybe so that I can  
     tell myself  
I don’t need them  
Even though I desperately do  
     crave their attention  
I don’t need them  
Maybe to tell myself not to cry because  
     I feel like my throat is swelled up and  
     I’m choking violently on  
          the words I wish I could say  
Maybe

Maybe to distract myself from  
     the rest of my kettle corn

I wish  
I had something  
     to say to them  
But I’m afraid that  
     if I talk  
They won’t listen

 

  
Will you?


	41. Sunlit

Under the joyous, shining sun  
All the flowers waltz with the trees  
The wind whispers oh so sweetly  
     And brings love to its wobbling knees

The winding rivers do a jive  
Under the joyous, shining sun  
Animals prance ‘round the lush glade  
     And sing how none came armed with guns

The wind sings my praise as it blows  
I find nothing in life to fear  
Under the joyous, shining sun  
     And I find fulfillment in this

With the marigolds find your comfort  
With the maple tree find your strength  
     And you will soon know your freedom  
Under the joyous, shining sun


	42. Solitude

People say that  
“Misery loves company”  
But  
I beg to differ

In my world  
Misery craves solitude  
Because  
I just want to be  
     left alone

Allow me this  
     moment  
This quiet in  
     the midst of  
     the storm

Allow me this  
     moment  
This time to  
     dwell upon the  
Hurricane  
Inside

* * *

 

I prefer the  
     noise in my  
     head  
Over the chirping of  
     pestilent birds  
     that  
Surround me

 


	43. To Be Around You

I can’t speak:  
My throat is swollen shut,  
     I’m choking on my tongue,  
     my lips are stitched tight together  
I try to breathe through my nose, but  
Allergies man…

You make everything  
     so difficult for me

Is this what falling feels like?

Because I’m falling  
I’m falling so hard


	44. Self-love

Candy-apple and  
Plum  
Is a good look  
     on you  
Those colours -  
     They make you seem  
          older  
     They gift you with  
          confidence and  
          maturity

Mahogany and  
Olive  
Is a good look  
     on you  
Those colours -  
     They make you seem  
          wiser  
     They gift you with  
          gracefulness and  
          poise

Lavender and  
Coal  
Is a good look  
     on you  
Those colours -  
     They make you seem  
          freer  
     They gift you with  
          vitality and  
          (self) love


	45. For C: 37 Years

Let me be  
     so very clear about  
     something.  
The tommy gun  
     that is  
     my mouth  
Explodes with bullets of hatred  
     for you.

Scratch that.  
I hate what you did.

There is a rage in my heart that  
     consumes me.  
Rage fueled by  
     my confusion.  
My anxiety.  
My fear.

Except…

I don’t know if I am angry.

I really do want to be mad.  
But, I don’t think I can.  
All I can do right now is be,  
     I guess…  
Disappointed.  
Upset (not in an angry way) -  
In a  
     sad way.  
In a sorrowful,  
     despairing,  
     heartbroken way.

 

I thought…  
I thought it was a joke,  
     at first.  
Some sort of  
     sick.  
     Twisted.  
     Joke.  
But it’s not.  
It’s not because  
     I didn’t see you.  
It’s not because  
     I talked to R.  
And he saw you. Then.  
He  
     saw  
     you.

I am desperate.  
I don’t want to  
     believe it.  
Because then -  
     then it will be  
Real.

I want to believe that I  
     will see you  
     on Wednesday evening or  
     on Sunday morning.  
I want to believe that we will see each other and  
Smile and hug and  
     that nothing will be different or  
     wrong at all.  
But I can’t.

I can’t…

  
What happened?  
Can you tell me?  
Please?  
What happened?

You were doing so well -  
Or, at least,  
     we thought you were.

Church.  
Friends.  
Family.  
All of it.  
Was it some act?  
     Some elaborate lie?

What about Ireland?  
Or the post about Baby V?  
What was that?  
Goodbye?  
Because that’s how it looks.  
That’s what it feels like.

What were you holding back  
     behind that smile?  
     The jokes?  
What was so bad,  
     so hard,  
     that you nose-dived  
Again?  
What weren’t you telling us?

Because this…  
This -  
This wasn’t supposed to happen.

No -  
     no, no, no, no, no

No  
You -  
     You were supposed to be good  
     You were supposed to be better  
     You weren’t supposed to do this again  
     Because now you’re gone and  
          we’re hurting and -

YOU WERE THIRTY-SEVEN

Thirty-seven…

You had  
     so much life  
     left to live…  
So many years you  
     could have used to  
     do something great.

And now?

Now, no one even gets to see you smile


	46. Extrañar

i don’t know that i ever thought i would miss this  
the long days and  
stressed nights

i never thought i would miss this

but here i am  
soon to walk out those doors  
and if i return, i will not return the same  
things will never be the same

i will miss my routine  
i will miss my life, simple  
     and straightforward  
i will miss my days spent dreaming of  
     the future that is now upon me  
i will miss my freer self

i never thought i would miss this

 

  
but here I am


	47. Madness

There is a particular way that madness sets in. It starts with an idea. A singular thought. There is an event that sparks an idea. A singular thought. And then, like the blink of eyes or the snap of fingers, it is gone. Poof. It is in the past.

In the near future, there is another event. There is another moment. The idea returns full force. And of it there is more. This idea... The idea is no longer singular. It had expanded - grown. It is growing.

Maybe you are sickened with yourself. Fine. Let's travel that road.

You are sick to your stomach to have thought such a thing. You shove it away. You repress it. You bury it in other memories, pounding music, raging art, thrilling sport - something. You do your best not to think about it. About anything. You seek to keep your brain active. Always moving onto the next thing for fear of the whirlpool of darkness sucking you into its vice-like arms. Your brain: occupied by nothing, but always doing something.

You grow far too comfortable with the white noise. Far too comfortable with the constant buzz of adrenaline and trepidation. Far too comfortable in your own skin. You let your guard down and silence sets in.

And there it is. Your non-singular idea come skittering back. Think of it this way: it was the egg of some insect - tiny and fragile. Easily squashed. But. It hatched. An unidentifiable creature. Again, tiny and fragile. Easily squashed. And now…

Now it is a house centipede slithering and scuttling around your brain. Or maybe, an anaconda; wrapping itself around your consciousness and devouring it. And now it's all. You. Can. Think. About. The thought was one then two then ten then twenty then a hundred legs then -

 

there is a particular way that madness sets in


End file.
